I have also read kims info and much more. Well see how long that will last. but then it got controlling and he was saying Im not trying enough and that I didnt understand pressure being a mother and I should work full time then youll understand pressure. I do sometimes text my husband if I need to ask something or tel him something he may or may not freak about. . I am wondering why Kim hasnt responded to meI immediately think, as he and his friends do, that it is because I am to blame for his leaving. Did he just not bond with me and I did with him and that is why this seems harder? It is our lively hood. Can we now part?! I will pray for you! Not to forget he announced that he wont adjust my status and will get me deported if I do not finally come around! Holding accountable? Once you obtain that, the cloud hoovering overhead will become smaller and smaller the sense of freedom and relief will ease and bring peace to your heart, mind, soul, and with Kim & Steves teachings overcoming our own gap work will ease putting strong boundaries in place. Real trust is earned and not given anyway and so no you shouldnt trust him yet, things need to be set up now so there is complete transparency. Its hard to grasp how this man that professed his love so earnestly and regularly could turn this fast! A good way to understand how to make a narcissist miserable is to spring the occasional surprise on them. 22) While doing the side work you accused me and I quote yeah side work I am sure thats what he is paying you for even though I did most of the work from home. help me please Kim. I loved him so much and I am still involved with him to an extent as we share property and pets. a discussion ,and Therefore he responds by attacking me which makes him feel superior. Do I love him the answer will always be yes. My spouse left and never said why just left and of course it is all my fault. He has refused to speak to me for the past 3 months, but has called my friends and family and told them I am mentally ill, he has tried to take our children from me without speaking to me, he has come to my house uninvited, and he has taken money from me. So hard to get out of my marriage for many reasons. I have been living his desires for all these years. You need to find a way to track his double life (without obsessing about it) and practice a repertoire of comeback lines for when he tries to bait you like this. 12 Ways to Break a Narcissist's Heart 1 Ignore their forms of manipulation. I am an Australian living in the UK and am a single parent with an 11 year old daughter. When I remind him of the promise he made, he says he wont be guilted into keeping that promise. I have not heard anyone talk about sex on this website. Especially the magic scissors and self-soothing are very powerful skills. Now because I am moving across the country, I am being blamed for him losing the house. I have returned to college studying the medical field, I am on the honour role which opens my eyes to the fact that I am not dumb and stupid like he drummed into my head for so many years. He instantly claimed he did nothing wrong and tried to act like they were against both of us. I wanted to share that last fall, I called the police to report that my husband was drinking and driving. Remember its ok to be alone and in these cases its better to be alone. My phone broken, the destruction on my car, my stolen pics, do I just have to let go. I told him if he didnt want to make a decision then I would have to make one on my own and told him that I felt it is best to seperate our finances completely and that in order to do so he would have to get his own place to live once he comes back home. of stress and terrors..overlooking tolerating praying about (God will not do for us what he equipped us to do for ourself) and my having temper storms at him. What are his consequences without losing the weak attachment that we have? 6 Treatment might include cognitive behavioral therapy, or medicine to help reduce mood. Everyone loves him.minus his employees. Never her.Now after almost a year up here. 12) While driving the old car you locked yourself out one day and violently damaged the car trying to break into it causing hundreds of dollars of damage, instead of calling me to give you a spare key or calling a locksmith. I have been married to him only for 3 months but this revelation to me is scary, uplifting, and also confusing. Thats what helped me get to safety. I just wanted have a lil peace so I couldnt go up against him and hold him accountable to much. Kim writes a lot about taking care of yourself emotionally and physically and I couldnt agree with her more. How depressing that they are so selfish they will not be responsible. I kept thinking I was going crazy. Positive attention is great for the narcissist but negative attention is crucial to their ability to hold you accountable. I have never loved nor despised a man as much as my n I was told that Your friends have told me you have drinking issues and you are not in control and Im worried about you This was said in a romantic restaurant in central London so Sandy stormed out and ran away.. (storm no 1) Then I was told that Im not conforming and I should accept him for who he is and was immediately slighted for not complying to his needs Storm no 2 On this one he persuaded me into the car and verbally abused me for an hour whilst locking me into the car Ive had telephone calls at the middle of the night for 3 hours with him trying to explain his point of view because I just dont get it Its a sad thing being codependent but Im now aware of my upbringing and why I always look for men to approve me. I want to convey acceptance in this new activity which is actually appropriate but is not leaving time for us or home responsibilities. Giving him boundaries didnt help him and made him feel more alone. So it is a balancing act to be courageous about setting boundaries but also being as warm as you are able to be. He will not hear me in that moment. They want to manipulate us and push and bully us into believing we do not have the right to stand up for ourselves . My Nar is no better than the next person and should have to integrate in society with what is seen as the social norms. My partner became ENRAGED that he had consequences. Because for a Narcissist, marriage equals dollar signs. These resources wont gaurentee he returns but they will help you understand what went wrong and heal yourself. No sleep and he would keep me awake I feared sleep for a year because as soon I fell a sleep he was gonna wake me either to be sweet or to fight. In my case, the steps I implemented helped me face my co-dpendency and make strides to getting out of it fairly quickly. I give them the fuel, to take to others, to set me on fire. Hi Lisa, Hang in there! Neg hitting, a compliment followed by a slight insult, is one of his favourites. annulled. I would like to hear more about how to protect our 10-year-old son. Steve did get very enraged when I first started setting boundaries but as it was about what I would not live with for myself rather than me putting myself above him there was still room for him to come down out of his ivory tower and be with me once the corner he had painted himself into had become too uncomfortable. Do I defend myself how do I handle the lies he tells me or texts me. He got nicer a week or so. A few weeks later you bought a new one and called my daughter and me over and told us what you did and that you wanted to FIX it and asked her to put it on me. There is no one answer to this question, as the best way to hold a narcissist accountable will vary depending on the situation and the severity of the narcissist's behavior. I was married 19 years and had 4 sons. So many of you sound as if youre writing about my husband. In order to post comments, please make sure JavaScript and Cookies are enabled, and reload the page. My guy and I are apart a lot of the time but he still managed to be emotionally and mentally abusive to me after the honeymoon period of our relationship ended. He is already beginning to poison them as punishment or me. She has a cookie business, that he controls of course. That will take some time, but our relationship has improved dramatically since I discovered Through The Looking Glass. Here are some of the things a narcissist is afraid of: Losing control. My husband has not changed in fact he has moved on to another woman whom he can control. He always managed to pull me back. I texted him saying I wanted to thank him for the wonderful time I had but being rushed out of the house was not acceptable. So I am glad its over. I felt like I had every DSM diagnosis there is in the months immediately after his leaving, the other woman, and what seemed like torturous behavior (he turned really mean)! The love-bombing stage is over. Stop letting them slide with their bad behavior. As soon as we were separated and he had a chance to talk alone, he turned them against me. (Understanding Narcissism.) And I am practicing to manage my own defence. They're ignoring you and making themselves inaccessible to you. The pain is lessening day by day , Kim, I love your blogs. I just wonder what percentage of the male population is like this? . A prime example is being at a social event with your narcissistic partner; a guest casually mentions a personal achievement. I fled after just 8 months of marriage. I love him, I love my daughter and need to protect her, and I know there is a good man in therebut as long as he sits on both sides of the fence, we will continue to long for the real family that he is not sure he wants to be. Be the happy person you were meant to be and fear nothing! I try not to belittle. I feel it is within my rights to decide that it might be better to live apart so he cant constantly rely on me to make sure there is food in the house and such. So many times he had me convenced that I am the crazy one, when contridicting himself, lying, when all the while the intuition told me, I should trust my instincts to believe him, so I blindly trusted him to find out I was lied to over and over again. View complete answer on wikihow.com Do I just let go of this since it is the past? Thanks Kim. Many rapes occur repeatedly and by family members and even if exposed the victim is not believed. What I have learned is that I can not control or make another person accountable for their action. When I was in Grad school, the therapists teaching the classes on Child Therapy would say to ignore a childs bad behavior and eventually it would be extinguished. Obviously I wanted my parents to love me; I want this guy to love me, forgive me and at least talk to me on occasion, but hes gone. Im not proud of it, but wanted to post in case this might resonate with others out there After truly saying goodbye the hero role, Narcissists dont hold the same interest anymore. He most recently climbed in window, in middle of the night-sometime before 4a.m. We are loosing the ability to teach our children this concept, and it is affecting all of our adult lives. The world is a much better place when people like that do the only thing that is notable in their life which is for them to kill themselves and do the rest of us a favor. This was my effort at not throwing in the towel b/c i just dont believe all Narcs are useless to society. So, I think who am I hurting? He is about to deploy and so we do need to discuss and make decisions on how we are going to handle things while he is gone but he wont make a decision and wants to fight instead so he can avoid the subject everytime. No wonder I could not communicate with my husband! My partners behaviour is exactly the way you describe. After another long fight, I agreed to add it to your tab and for you to pay it back with your monthly payments. Non sexual but emotional. Everyone needs different ideas and I thank you for adding yours to the discussion. I have been married for 15 years with two kids with my husband. And me in my unrequited love stage and I am married to someone else.Long story and my wife knows about our relationship. There is good in him. Just call me the narcissist repellent 6 mo They respond VIOLENTLY. Ive been involved with a total narcissist. Steve had pretended everyone loved him at work but of course that wasnt true. And yet she believes there is nothing wrong with her and still blames me for causing her behaviour. Each day I ask God for grace to get through my day. I know I have the strength to give him more than I expect to get from him. He remains unaccountable for everything and so much more. It is so hard to read his a apologies and statements of ownership and progress. I assume there are different degrees of narcissismand though my wife doesnt do some of the more egregious behaviors many of you are dealing with, she is a text-book narcissist in her inability to accept accountability or in any way see the world through eyes or perspectives other than her own. They complimented you, insisted on your compatibility, and made you feel special. Hey Kim! I can relate to this. Otherwise, you will be spending your life trying to make someone else happy, and unfortunately those days are limited. Every crazy thing that has ever happened in our relationship that I could never understand was outlined in the characteristics and traits of a person with NPD. He was mad, but he has not been pushing this limit since. He is never wrong and will tell you so. He really didnt want to go back to work because the chaos narcissists try and manage leaves them exhausted. I told him that I needed him to make decision by tonite which ofcourse he didnt like at all. Frequently they resort to name calling and belittling to assert dominance over the other person. Thank you. I just didnt take his bait and didnt talk about the negative thing he was trying to focus on about me. What (they) choose to believe is irrelevant. ANYTIME I complain about anything there is ABSOLUTELY no sympathetic response from him. Perspective is all important and since a couple usually ends up living in the way the dominant partner prefers the other person can seem passive/ aggressive simply if they dont throw themselves into that lifestyle with the degree of enthusiasm the dominant person would like to see. I still get called swear names you are a selfish bitch !!! I mean for me to feel the kind of trust for him and love from him that a woman ought for someone she is having sex with wow, that would be gigantic. If your narcissistic friend is supposed to have lunch with you, invite a few other friends without telling her. When he was alcholic and drunk he would do the stupid lying stuff, but when sober and caught he could at least give bits of the truthwho knows. I married late in life and was only married 1 yr 4 mos when he leftand am still missing him and coming to terms with thisthe guy I married just doesnt seem to exist and whoever he is now doesnt want me in his life or to be in mine. The consequences of his actions in this situation are hard to tell. They changed my attitude not his right away.. Before he comes begging her back! Though, in reality I dont really believe this will truely ever happen. I am not the one that started up with a girl friend and LEFT their wife. How can you prevent this person raping you again? Or, maybe its just that this network isnt designed for the marriage that has already fallen apart? When I noticed them missing and asked you, you lied at first and then came to me later to tell me what you did. Says I am a know it all and have too many opinions.He does revenge for things I didnt try to do. My children and now oldest granddaughter cant believe how I do it with him. Its going to cost him a whole lot more when he moves out and has to pay someone to live somewhere else. I see that codependency is an issue that I am working with. And it went too far once, already, he has had an affair. And to start a business that my name is on, 51% mine and that it will buy his business. I agree with all of this content. I will admit though, it is very hard not to slip back into old patterns, and the hardest of all, is that I still have strong feelings for him, its just about impossible not to after all those years, 5 kids and so many shared experiences, not all of which were bad. Hi Kim, I cannot take any more. Keep in mind that narcissism ranges from self-centeredness and other narcissistic traits to NPD. The more sensitive a narcissist is to criticism, the more likely it is they'll become mean, vengeful, and vindictive. My issue iswhat about false accountability? Play as nice as you can and de escalate the fight and let the heat come down on him from police. It will be a long road but I have faith. Dont engage, it leaves them stunned. Ironic, isnt it, how many stories there are and yet in the midst of such circumstances we can feel so isolated. Admittedly, at times, the narcissist finds it hard control his rage. It has totally changed my marriage. I heard her talk to him one time and knew he was suffering with a monster too. I asked, if you could come to where I was living so I could still do some packing and getting the move ready. I have had to do a lot of work on myself to stay balanced in this relationship and understand its worth. I know separating would be devastating for him, I believe him to be a vulnerable person without support. They are experts at playing with feelings and getting what they want, and you are the one who pays while you self-esteem continues to diminish. Its time to Grow Up! Who should be the person who deals out his consequences? It is very enlightening. 7) During an argument I lost the necklace that you knew my 11-year-old daughter bought for me the previous Christmas. One thing that was powerful for me was to tell me friend about others loving me. The childlike behavior I have described as an emotionally disturbed 5 year old, I know it sounds like I hate him. It will put all of these blog pages, information, and the events and/or what is happening within your life into a healthier perspective. Did I catch it from him? However he keeps asking for more and then tries to blame me for having credit and being able to handle my finances as if it is my fault he cant handle his. I am sharing this with love to all none NPD and NPD sufferes out there. How can we summon up the courage, maintain an empathically attuned state of. But my heart knows that I will never be able to count on him to be there for me unless it suits him and his own needs at the time. Holding him accountable for mistakes. I was with my ex for 23 yrs I tried and tried to support him so we could have an honest and mutually giving relationship I thought I was good at seeing when he was lying but in fact- it was all lies everything the whole relationship. And we are a wealthy family! Stand up and say sorry I cant be with someone who does these things and get out of the relationship the first time it happens! I told him that I would, because of your advise, & I was so scared to follow through, but I did. He rejects Jesus and has become like a god himself with supporters who validate him. I thought he was the love of my life!! I like your advice about just ignoring the behavior. My boyfriend takes no responsibility for anything that he goes. He isnt a major narcissist but has both narcissistic and borderline tendencies and at times he is a nightmare to deal with. Your or Steves suggestion would be so appreciated! He has money in his name too so its fair. He left and came back many times, but made a fool of me three months ago for the last time. It also focus the responsability, in oneself(mua). Debbie says to a narcissist marriage equals money and talks about the childlike behavior. I really was obsessed about his cheating. We have two terrific kids. But Ann it all depends on the individual. Dealing with the trauma resulting from a abusive relationship is really hard to do. The lack of sleep weakens me and the ups/downs instability , paranoid state he was in with aderall I was miserable I could take him it was a life not worth living. Never listens to a single word I say. This time I was able to enjoy myself, keep busy and not think too much about why, I finally understand it isnt me, I understand his narcissism, after immersing myself for past 10 years, it still hurts though, I hope someday, the hurt will go away. He HAS improved, but his basic method of interaction is still unempathetic bullying, put-downs, anger, outbursts, only occasionally considering my needs and concerns, and not being accountable for the little things in life. I too hope you take a path that is filled with more happiness for you. He had created chaos there as well and when it all finally came crashing down on him I was ready to take him in and protect him. My experience is that this requires a lot of work on yourself to find emotional balance and peace of mind that they cannot reach, whilst you respond to their behaviour gently but firmly. I am caring for our children on my own and maintaining a home, working, and hurting, as are our kids and obviously my husband too. I am better off without him. With his having to have things a certain way, hes cost the company money and possibly earned a reputationthat or the boss really does like him and is giving him more responsibilitywho knows, I just know the fall out of it all! But really, I am just angry and hurt. Ive been married 6 yrs but only been going thru this for about 2 yrs. Do a "deep search" instead. But ultimately, I realized that when I enjoyed being with him, it was because I imagined he had real empathy, and like Ann, in difficult times, though he was sometimes kind, it hurt that he obviously couldnt feel for me unless it was really feeling for himself. Its not a break up. I have come out of the fog, realizing how much I have been lied to & manipulatedI had feel under is spell and had the gas lighting tactic used on meand I am wanting him to be held accountable for all the things he has broken of mineat the times he has acted out destroying my personal property. Weve been together 7 years. Hi to everyone who has written in, this has to one of the very best blogs ever. She tells me the affair is over (actually, she insists it never happened most of the time; though I have evidence to the contrary) and she is still working for the guy she had the affair with. That doesnt mean you need to give in to their bad behaviour; instead of trying to hold them accountable (which wont work anyway), consider making them face the consequences of their mistakes. Thank you Kim and Steve for your inspirational insights Im trying to hang in there!!!! What you need is a 100% clear no nonsense boundary that you are in control of not him. he of course was perfect and still is. There is no physical abuse, no porn even, no substance abuse, no affairs, no secret spending. But i didnt immediately saw that it were fantasy. You may need to do some detective work on this and bring that out into the open. Let go and let God I say! DA from what was explained to me, a true narcissist does not know how to lovehe knows how to survive on his narcissistic supplywhich is youuntil youre not. He is a disbarred attorney who signed an amicable divorce decree but of course, has refused to pay a penny and has left us in a mess. He had to pay several fines and now faces jail. Back From the Looking Glass may be important if he returns and the fighting starts again. They regularly break the rules, tell lies, break promises, degrade, demean and exhibit unjust, aggressive and abusive behaviour that is inappropriate, childish, without remorse and totally inhuman. It was my word against hers. Thanks again for all the hard work and time you put into all this, keep up the good work! I have tried to work thru this with him and have seen a small improvement thanks to the advise from Kim and steve but he is so beyond any reality and reasoning that I have to do what is best for my children and myself. So playing with children and being a hero to them, feels safe, because children dont judge. The good thing I am glad he finally is looking old so the women will possibly be out of our lives. I have been a believer and customer of yours for several years now. He slandered her and he will slander me. My family and friends did not expect me to make it out of my marriage alive. This is a good thought-provoking article, and the discussions following it are even more interesting. Thanks Kim I understand you dont have alot of info to work with. As I am writing, I am sitting in a beautiful Hotel in California, at the end of a 4 day all expense trip he won. regards Even though he is so full of himself that he made the entire process as miserable as possible for himself and me. The problem is that with the upcoming deployment time is very limited and decisions have to be made. He doesnt seem to be taking me seriously. In the end, I regret trying to make him feel consequences. Knowing you got paid in the mean time and you lied straight in my face and told me yeah I bought her the doll she wanted Then when I talked to your ex-wife wishing your daughter a happy birthday asking if she liked the present you sent her. She is ignoring any opinions I have on any subject and basically shut me out of her life again. The thing for my friend is he doesnt want me to leave him so I try to become a safe person for him all the while being very careful to not become his victim. I know there is a grieving process. When such small things happen occasionally in a relationship, they might be overlooked. I LOVE this article. The saddest part is to deal with our son who copies his father, takes no responsibilty for his own behaviour and impossible to reason with most of the time.