But refusing to participate in the arguments and the anxiety spirals by hanging up and walking out saved my relationship with both my parents in the long-term. You could walk up to the bar to order a drink and tell that person you need some assistance and they are on it in seconds. If his problem is that his marriage doesnt look the way a marriage is supposed to look (and lets get real here we absolutely do NOT have enough information to be as sure as you are) then a good marriage counselor can help him to readjust his notions. Roppongi it is! We dont know enough about how the spouse acts in other scenarios to draw larger conclusions. I feel a sudden need to greet my husband at the door tonight and give him a big hug. Gamboling is a type of frolicking around without a care in the world. And there, the answer is clear: you have to go. after that. I go on a vacation with my sisters, or go to my cousins house in PA. We enjoy the time apart. Charleston. Yes, but trailer park crimes are good, upstanding crimes like cooking meth and domestic violence, and obviously those crimes are less dangerous to bystanders than being attacked by a sex criminal just for walking down the street. OP, how long do you think you can tolerate his behavior? My husband is a bit more of a homebody than I am, and he very rarely travels for work. -03-2022, 0 Comments making sure your spouse is okay with big decisions that affect both of you isnt that unreasonable. For another, unless the husband is a lot more clever than it seems from the letter and follow ups, a good counselor would be useful to the OP, even if it is abuse. And hes trying to sabotage your livelihood with his nonsense? arent at all limited to Vegas. It has beautiful trails just minutes outside the city. Might need to go back. How would it feel if you lost your job or got demoted because you stopped travelling due to his shenanigans? As Captain Awkward would put it: you have a husband problem, not a job problem. But if not, why would you stay with this. Good points. On the other hand, the OP could surely use some help in setting some reasonable boundaries and communicating as effectively as possible in the circumstances. I second counseling. You can always spend less at a Days Inn or Holiday Inn or similar 3-star facility. That sounds like you, AP but the LWs husband sounds like the former. Couldnt she spend the weekend elsewhere? And myhusband answered, Ididnt want tobring her, but she insisted.Ibooked aticket and went home onthe next plane out. Best of luck on your issues, and I hope you get the resolution youre seeking! For anyone who has traveled for business, it is a dream destination because it is convenient. Hes not Master of the House. Did you say, thanks for confirming that I need to get away from you immediately & forever? I'm lucky that she slept for most of the trip, but you can't assume that a 3 month old will sleep for 14 hours. I have family in Henderson and go there every February to escape the snow. Marriage counselling is categorically not recommended if there is abuse. But I did find pictures of her with male strippers so yeah Im nervous shes younger and hasnt traveled like I have the world can be dangerous. I dont gamble much. Id do it again theres a mob museum and some other things Id like to see. Should I take him into account? Projecting your particular set of issues on to everyone else really is not helpful. In fact, Ive been on more trips without my partner than I have with him! Do not sacrifice your career for this. Of course, they can be bothbut then IMHO, that boils down to controlling anyway. Furthermore, Vegas ALSO markets itself as a family vacation and business conference destination. And I dont know whether I asked permission, exactly, to plan some activities on my own this weekend to decompress from a week of solo child care, but I did run it by her she was of course supportive, but sometimes with this kind of planning there are scheduling issues we have to work out. Its actually better that way now for example, its now possible to eat a meal without hearing about keno. let has no part of a marriage unless it deeply affects the partner and then people need to work on it together. Stay at Luxor for dirt cheap, or Mandalay Bay for the pool. He was there for a conference, and she was there for a bachelorette party. This is part of your JOB. ALSO, there is nothing inherently unwholesome about prostitution OR gambling. Definitely ask him to go to counseling ASAP to work out these issues in your relationship and like Allison said, if he refuses to go it could be very helpful for you to go alone. I do know some people (who have never been to Vegas!) I suppose anxiety could make his control issues more prominent, but to me his behavior is just a glaring red flag. It blows my mind that people see this as acceptable behaviour. Your man doesnt have much of an opinion of you, does he? Like fposte said the husband would only mention his friends opinions if it supported his own. Maybe you can rest your husbands anxiety by telling him youll be too busy. Just my two cents. I understand everyones points of view completely, just a couple questions and I apologize if theyve already been asked and answered 1) but is it possible that he go too 2) my spouse travels monthly, I hate it. My husband gets nervous whether Im traveling for business or just about town (granted, Im not the best driver). He had experienced previous panic attacks on flights, hated the "cattle type" travel experience, and at 6'2+ was uncomfortable in the tiny airplane seats. Im not controlling or irrational, Im protecting my marriage!, An outsider can actually say Husband, this behaviour isnt normal or good for your relationship. Sure, that could be the problem. I would have zero concerns about my husband going to Vegas without me, and I know that he would have zero concerns about me going without him. Most business conferences result in 3 days on location you probably wont leave the hotel. My husband got sent there on a business trip as well. I dont understand giving up agency as an adult just because I got married. I do think the OP should be cautious and watch for other signs of controlling behavior/abuse, but if this is an aberration (and she says above that it is), I dont think the what happens in Vegas is enough to shift it for me. Collect them from travel agents and show it to your husband, wife or partner. If your husband wont go to counseling, go alone. They might feel left out or unimportant. Im reminded of when my flying phobia was at its worst, and I was going to take a flight on Friday the 13th. Ifyoure feeling left out, that means something iswrong. Hes using the great, ambiguous They to give his personal feelings more weight. Im sorry I love my wife and Ive been to Vegas myself and my wife hasnt traveled that much. Thats even better than the Seinfeld episode where Georges girlfriend refuses to accept his decision to break up with her! Has he ever left the house? But it could be so many other things as well. I suspect that he says that because he can frame it as Im only concerned for YOUR safety, rather than When you go to Las Vegas, I feel like I am not in control of you, and that makes me unhappy. I bet he doesnt even really think you will cheatits about knowing that you COULD and he wouldnt see and couldnt do anything about it. Same. Havent read the comments to see if this is talked about yet, but I feel like religion has a play here I can see uber conservative religions having more problems with this situation than anything else. Breadwinner isnt necessarily sole provider. My ex used to pick up stupid little fun jobs part-time while he was going to college, while I was working full time and also going to college. I dont think its either/or, necessarily. I also love Vegas. This was not such a culture. It is not normal or rational. I posted above about his great and powerful They. The Everybody who agrees with him. Is she free to travel then? If youre happier and more successful without him, and what he brings to the table isnt enough anymore, its okay to opt out. Access to prostitutes, drugs, extramarital affairs, and excessive drinking and shenanigans is available pretty much in every town and city. sienna plantation inventory homes; masters in international law and diplomacy; is daffodil water poisonous; Vegas isnt a magical dimension. And you will regret it even more if your marriage ends and you put yourself in a worse position just to appease irrational fears. Nope. I dont think youre going to be able to use logic or rational arguments to rid him of any fears. I accidentally ended up at a naked sex drug party once, quite to my own embarrassment, but that was in Akron, Ohio. It seems infinitely more likely that what they actually said was yeah man, that sucks, I dont know why she wouldve broken up with you as sympathy and he took it that way, but either way, you dont date by committee! I sometimes know and I often dont. Never! Thanks! They sometimes ask if Im from some sort of obscure cult, or something. If its my wife is going to a business conference.. That doesnt seem fair! Hehesitated, but agreed.Onthe third day ofthe vacation, his parents, brothers, and their spouses were all sitting atatable outside whileI was preparing afruit salad. Its also fascinating, because it makes me wonder about his friends. I also worry about my spouse traveling without me. Lastly, there are some religious communities where it would be fairly normal for the husband not to let the wife travel, and for worries about infidelity to be one of the main reasons why. One of my best friends took his family (2 very young children) to Vegas, and they had a great time. Hopefully, a good counselor will see what, if any, underlying issues may be playing into this mess and refer him in the right direction. by Christy Cox for Divorced Moms. Im a husband sometimes prone to irrational fears about if my wife is okay. And here we are, reading a letter from a woman concerned that her career will destroy her marriage because everyone told her husband so. I didnt read him as being a chauvinist. If you do this, he will *hate* it; I did, and so did my Mother, when I started doing this. I have a friend now who Ill maybe mention that he is going to a business thing and he will badger me where is he? It totally IS. So, hell have to ban the East Coast, too. If my wife was going off just to gamble and get wasted with other dudes Id be against that too., I highly doubt he posed it as My wifes company keeps taking business trips to Las Vegas. Hopefully the comment section will help the OP see what is going on here. For work. And I recognize that this is 100% My Problem and I need to adapt my behaviour to deal with it. You know, because men never get kidnapped or roofied. And AP, as your comment captures, and what Alisons advice does, is to put the LW in a position to find out which one it is. My (mentally ill) mom does this thing where if theres something she doesnt want me to do, she makes up stories about how dangerous/stupid/inconsiderate/selfish/wrong of me to do it. He was jealous and controlling before we got engaged. Twenty. The next obvious thing is, we all get to be as irrational as we want. Well discuss, compromise, agree to disagree, but I do NOT need permission. I love my husband to bits, hes a good man, but I would never ever ever want to be in a position where I was financially dependent on him. You should go to counseling, alone and together if hell go with you, because I cant tell if hes super anxious, or just super controlling. I agree that the OP should not even consider not going on the trip. This is always my response to people and they always get mad at me for saying it. Inviting him to go might be a stop-gap measure to cover this trip. And the largest baggage-caroussel room Id ever seen and then I saw the OTHER baggage-caroussel room, that was unused at the time. My husband has some mental health issues (and some life experiences) that make him prone to excessive worry when I travel for work, and in my last job, I traveled A LOT. When I was years into my emotionally abusive first marriage, I had a long list of all the ways he was great. 27 Family Vacation Ideas for a Trip They'll Never Forget I think (I hope!) Husband Doesn't Want to Come with the Family on Vacation. My grandmother pays for the trip. But yeah, were both supportive of the other taking trips. I only want to know if hes going to be out so that Im not expecting him and can therefore do something else. :). Whether he is abusive, controlling, insecure, or driven by unmanageable anxiety we dont know. After the last Vegas conference 4 years ago, where more people got fired for misconduct than should have, my company has put a stop to holding regional or national conferences there. Las Vegas is not my favorite place ever because I dont love big crowds or gambling, but its just a city. You are one strong person, and thanks for sharing your story! (Anxiety twists everything; try not to fuel the fire.) This is a bigger picture problem, and I hope you are able to work it out. And thats Congo. Food! I had to go to Vegas once a year for a few days at my last job and I hated it. I understand where youre coming from, but this board sees people from all over the world, and there are still lots of places and lots of religious/cultural environments where patriarchal/masculine control/policing of womens behavior/assuming the worst of women is absolutely the norm, and there are enough of them scattered around everywhere that I dont think its a case of not everyone can have sandwiches.. I love New Orleans! His response is not reasonable except in AAMs answer. But in her mind, as another comment perfectly said, as soon as the sun sets, everyone is a drunk driving, human trafficking, drug kingpin. Ive been to one (and my husband was only jealous of the food), and while I dont like Vegas myself, I cant deny that the Venetian knows how to run a conference. Frankly, what worked for me was meeting the team my wife was working with. Yup, agreed. I think its also quite possible that hes either misrepresented it to the people hes asked, misrepresented their responses to the OP, and/or hasnt actually asked as many people as hes said he has. ? and his friends being like yeah man, Vegas is a scummy place for scummy people. I am angered that every time I have to go he seems to have an emotional breakdown. (Somehow I did survive!). I cant quite tell from this letter if he does yet or notnor if its a true anxiety issue or straight-up manipulative, controlling behavior. I still think he worries about my safety a bit too much (and whoa, good Im not headed to war zones at this point in my career! Her starting point is out of loveshe doesnt want to lose me. Women will agree with a spouse to avoid conflict. And there is plenty to do besides gamble. The threading makes it a little unclear, but thats not the part under discussion: Top-Level Comment: If a person has surrounded themselves with a bunch of people that thinks its normal for one spouse to tell the other what they are/arent allowed to do, thats a beyond red flag., Response: Or its an indication that they live in a different culture than the one you know.. Hes a control freak who will beg, lie and manipulate every situation to get his way. He and this whole situation is definitely unstable and unsustainable. My hunny is not a fan of me getting up at 4:30 and going running in the dark by myself. But it is a common business trip destination for the reasons others have noted and certainly poses no danger to anyone with common sense. He gets anxiety about it, but he doesnt try to stop me from going he knows it is part of my job. Just the past 2 weeks Ive taken a 3-day hiking trip, completely alone, and also a trail running workshop weekend with a group of other runners. Yet he says he would not even go without me. And, this IS an us issue: his insecurities are damaging the relationship. me go. Be bored, and be boring: This is not a debate, this is a fact deal with it but stated calmly, not aggressively. She is doing the heavy lifting in supporting the family and yet he wants to control and damage her control. I dont even know what city he is in sometimes just because he will tell me about five trips at once and I cannot remember which is what week. Biking to work? If the OP is part of running the conference/event, yep, theyll be lucky to find the time for 8 hours sleep each night. His concerns are irrational, the trip is a reasonable expectation from your employer, and so you need to go and let him manage his feelings about it. Thank you so much for your response! I second Alisons advice that marital counseling is needed. FWIW, I am a married woman and had to travel to Vegas many times for work, and had to drive to dozens of locations the entire time. When hed worry about what to do if, say, the house burned down while i was gone, I pointed out he could handle it just fine. Yeah you can get into some crazy stuff there for sure, but lots of people bring their small children to Vegas for vacation too (which bugs me somewhat but hey whatever). We are driving 18 hours to get to my family reunion with our 2 year old and 3 month old (at the time). I loved the weird, entertaining shows on the street, the warm evenings, the bustle and cheer. This is not a normal or healthy response from a spouse, and it needs to change. Congratulations, his friends are ALSO sexist and manipulative. We arent gamblers either. The way I see it, OP, assuming youre not a serial cheater who constantly engages in risky behaviors when your spouse is not standing over you, your husband is either really insecure about your marriage, or really anxious in general. Actually the cigarette smoke present in many buildings is the biggest turn off for me about Vegas. Ive never gone to a weddings and heard vows that included I promise to love, honor, cherish, and ask your permission before I leave the house. I went to Vegas for several scientific conferences back in the day, and I thought it was a weird idea until the first time I actually went. Also, in some (not all) work situations, it would be quite weird and out of step for someone to bring their spouse along. I like having the house to myself for a weekend. We also were both active-duty for the first couple years we were together. Yup. If I had to plan something like this myself, itd be at the top of my list for a lot of very practical reasons. You just have to stop a lot--especially if you EBF. Yeah, this seems so over the top Im having trouble thinking its just about relationship issues. OP, this is HIS issue, not yours. There are tons of families and people who live in Vegas or visit Vegas and do pretty normal things. And even if you werent going to your cousins house! Very few of these trips ends up involving much fun at all. We had screaming matches over girls night out or any activity that might throw me in the path of men. THIS. Interestingly, prostitution is a county-by-county decision in Nevada. There was a recent one with the same problem! I have serious issues with anxiety and I read it the same way. It might not end up factoring into your decision when your career and marriage are in the firing line, but its probably useful information for you to have. Or the wife, for that matter. But they LOVE the idea of going there and want you to have lots of fun! Theres like 1 hour of down time. The follow up is what took it from possible anxiety issue on overdrive to controlling husband for me. I have some of this kind of anxiety myself and totally understand where your wife is coming from. The following photos show exactly what can go wrong when you try to take a family photo. He is ambitious & caring.His insecurities have gotten the best of him in this situation. Long term I also agree with everyone elses recommendations for anxiety screening and counseling. A therapist will be of substantial benefit to OP in uncovering these typically subconcious assumptions and patterns, and mindfully challenging them and acquiring a different and more equitable relationship with her husband. Either his friends are also super controlling and/or prone to irrational fears or he totally fabricated the story about asking if other people would let their wives go to Las Vegas for work. I mean, she could get kidnapped! Our daughter will be three months Old and she always falls asleep in the car. Im almost always jealous of the cool stuff he sees in his job, but I cant imagine being angry or upset about the trips. Use of this site is subject to our terms of use and privacy policy. I deal with those worries by making sure he has the tools he needs to accommodate those shortcomings, not by hobbling his life. Good luck and please update us! I spent a lot of the day just wandering around the strip). I totally went on a family trip to Vegas when I was like 12 or so, and there was plenty of family friendly stuff to do. This is also what I pictured especially if he freaks out like this regularly-ish (every time she has a trip its a big ongoing issue for a chunk of time), his friends might have just learned to ride out the rant with general affirmative noises. Mothers anxious overprotectiveness would have destroyed me (and my relationship with her) if Id let it limit my life the way she wanted to (in the moment, when she was anxious). But theres no need to snark at me for making/agreeing with a suggestion. Is this a relationship problem that could be remedied with counseling? ), Yeah man, Id be super bummed if my wife went to Vegas and didnt take me with her, I freakin love Vegas!. Regardless of whether the husband is trying to control you, or whether he is merely unable to overcome devastating anxiety, the effect is the same: You need to keep your job and live your life like a normal person, either so you can support him in recovering from this anxiety (pay for counseling, health insurance, treatment) or so you can escape what may very well be an abusive situation. It has helped me also to understand where that response came from not just the ex baggage, but early childhood experiences damaged his basic trust, which he is working on. Its a very highly policed city. Agree with the high level of security even on the streets. When I go Im all about getting to as many different and awesome restaurants as humanly possible, and sitting by a pool with a book, when some of my friends go its about the nightlife, when my husband goes its about the sportsbook (this was my long way of saying that I agree with you). I think that it is much more scary to be hurt by someone you know, so people are more likely to believe in the bogeyman dark alley scenario. Ill willingly concede that deglove describes something altogether horrible, but deplane is an idiotic, unnecessary, invented word. Why do you feel this way?. Yes, we fly in on Monday and are out by Friday. *Now having said all that, I 100% agree that the husband is over-reacting*. Hes worried the worst would happen: I cheat, someone spikes my drink, someone kidnaps me He says he has asked other people about the situation and everyone objects that they would even let their significant other go. When I was there, I went to museums, saw a few shows, visited a shopping centerall during the day (except the shows) and safe. I have to remind myself of that sometimes; I think you should remind yourself that too. Last I time I checked 2017 hadnt fully turned into The Handmaids Tale and women were allowed to travel for work without permission from their husband. Is it possible that the way OPs husband expressed this question to his friends was leading? I was going to say this, the touristy areas and especially the casinos are crawling with security and cameras. Think of it this way if you give in on this to avoid conflict, what will be next? You can easily avoid all the sinful things to do in Vegas, if you want to. But the effect of his behavior on her is a them issue. Dont engage with his arguments. Marketing aside, Vegas is just a metropolitan center, and you dont look lose your morals the second you step off the plane. of my colleagues are and having the convention somewhere like Las Vegas brings in more talent from around the world. Op, your husband is out of line and sounds very insecure. Nah this isnt about irrational fears on his part, its about control. Or maybe its anxiety fueling a control issue, but I highly doubt that anxiety treatment will help. We were already pretty good at forming social subgroups with people who are more like us, but now that we have instant online communities for any reason or belief, the effect has grown, and we can choose to associate more with people who agree with our beliefs. Counseling perhaps. I was just coming here to ask if she asked him to Turn his key!. Not everything is family friendly (I.E. At least, not something like this, which is a very normal part of having a job. Why wont he go on the trip with you? Just dont! as a 1000 decibel chorus of YES! Couples counseling can be super helpful even if the source (so to speak) of the problem is one partner. When one leaves, its done! going together would send the message that its an us issue. Send a good morning text, a been busy all day, just breaking for lunch text, and a goodnight call each day. I dont even like Vegas and end up there twice a year because its such a common conference location because of the affordability. My mom cancelled their first date and was always busy when he tried to reschedule until she finally gave in. Its the relationship version of all of the my boss wont let me resign letters! However, Im not sure if this is the crux of the LWs issue since her husband clearly said that he has a problem with the what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas mentality. But if all your life experiences back it up, its not until youre faced with a new point of view (i.e., your wife goes on a business trip) that any of these beliefs even come to the surface. rarely cede ground. I suspect that insecurity over her being the primary breadwinner has a lot to do with it (deeply ingrained social conceptions are still a thing). If it's me, I would prefer stay home and rest till the baby gets older and low maintenance Do it!! couch their controlling tendencies as worry and concern, because they know their victims will want to soothe and appease them, because they are just super nice worry-wart spouses who just really, truly, are so *concerned*. If this is a regular occurrence, it could be indicative of a larger problem, such as marital strife. Hed go get a hotel room, and give me a call; he wouldnt be instantly homeless and alone, and I couldnt magically fix a burned house anyway. ), but accommodating him a bit on that is reasonable, in my book and most importantly, has zero to do with his feeling ownership of me or thinking his wishes trump my work demands, and more to do with just wanting to be sure Im safe.